Great Ride This Morning

I rode from Mom's house in Grand Terrace, Ca toward Redlands, out on San Timoteo Canyon Road then cut up and over the hills and back down to Moreno Valley. From there I dropped down a bit to Riverside and then back to home. A nice 34 mile loop. The temp was in the mid 80's as I was finishing at 10AM. It is a dry heat and it felt good. I am getting used to the weather change down here. Sadly, I think I could actually like it down here. Lots of roads to ride and the food is good. I like Portland much better, but I could deal with it. That is something I didn't think I could say over the past few years.

But wait...

No cyclocross close by--at least not of any quality (mud, rain, etc.).

Nope. Can't live down here. No way.

My Brother is a Weirdo

The day after Dad died we were just talking about random things in the afternoon. One of my sisters was in the room with Patrick and I. I randomly talked about how in Medieval times sometimes the bones of various Saints were stolen or saved and kept for luck or for some other weird reason. I am not really sure how common this was, it was just something I read I think. I stated that and then Patrick, my brother said, "Oh no, I don't like where you are going with this!" He sort of had a smirk on his face, but I didn't think what I was saying was totally weird.

I then said that I was just glad it was not the norm to carry around a finger bone of something of Dad's. Then he said something like, "Oh, I thought that your were going to talk about the place or the tribe where the sons eat part of their father."

I said, "what like the heart for strength or something?"

He said, "Um, no."

I took another guess at some other body part.

Then he gave me a weird look. And I knew what part it was. I was aghast.

"NO WAY!"

He nodded his head that this was indeed the body part that the sons of the father ate.

"That is disgusting!" I said. "Why did you even bring that up?"

"You are the one that started it!" He claimed.

"Well, that is like saying that being shot by a rubber band warrants a nuclear response--that story was totally uncalled for. There is no way that my story about keeping a saint's knuckle bone is akin to eating Dad's junk. That is just wrong dude!"

He laughed and so did I for some sick reason. My sister kept quite the whole time and only shook her head.

Despite the crudeness of the conversation, I think that in our family and many others, tragedy is often best dealt with with humor, even sick humor.

Anyone need some glasses?

It seems that my Dad would buy reading glasses at the drop of a hat. We found at least a dozen of them laying around. Also, he had about 30 Lands End long sleeved t-shirts of various colors. The same style cotton shirt, just in different colors. We think it was so he didn't have to do laundry but once a month. There were also some very strange herbal remedies in bottles. I didn't want to mess with them so they all went into the trash. Obviously they didn't do much for him...

It is Over

My Dad passed on to a better place this evening. It was peaceful and all of his children, his sisters and my Mom all gathered around his bedside.

I don't feel like writing an obituary here though.

There is so much to do. He left us a lot of stuff to go through.

Update: We are all doing well. We started the process of transfering personal items and letting those that need to know that he has died. I ordered 8 death certificates, but I will probably need a few more. I have a long list of things to accomplish and I am sure there are more things to do than I am aware of.

Bridget and my boys arrive on Thursday, and I am excited to see them.

Morning Ride in the Inland Empire

What a great morning it was to go for a ride. I left at about 6:45 and it was about 68 degrees. The sky was clear since the smog had not yet moved in. The early morning sun was welcoming as I rode out of the sleepy town of Grand Terrace and out towards Redlands.

There were a few other riders out. I was going at a decent pace, but nothing that really pushed me hard. I stopped to make a saddle adjustment and I saw a couple of other guys a bit behind me. The lead rider was obviously a rider in great condition. The other rider...well, not so much. Mr. Fast was obviously doing some pro bono work with the underprivileged...wait, I mean under conditioned. Sort of like me but heftier by about 75 pounds. By the time I was done fixing the saddle they had just passed me and I decided to chase them down and see where they were heading.

They turned up a road called Mountain View that I was somewhat familiar with. I followed and passed the slower of the two riders. At the end of the road I turned left on an unfamiliar road named Beaumont. The rider ahead of me circled back to ride with the slower rider. I rode on just to see where this street would take me. The road ended at San Timoteo Canyon Road. I paused. They came up and I asked Mr. Fast where a good way to go from here would be. He asked how far I wanted to go and I responded that another 5 to 10 miles before I turned around to head home would be good. He then asked if I wanted to do any hills, I said "Heck yeah!" I needed to suffer a little bit. He told me to ride along with them.

We rode and we picked up another rider for a couple of miles. Don't know her name but she was on a carbon TT bike and she could hold an amazingly low position on the bike and still maintain great power. I couldn't believe how low here torso was. Anyway, she was going to continue on towards Beaumont and we were turning off into the hills.

The hills. Mmm...yeah they were there, but I still have the twin days of riding with Brianero too fresh in my head. These hills sort steep, but not as bad as I was expecting. I should have known because there is no way that Mr. Slow could have done the hills that I had done with Brianero. Basically, there was one good hill and then several moderate hills that didn't make me too uncomfortable.

But, it was fun to ride with these guys. We talked a bit and I was told of another variation that will be fun and hurt a bit more. After talking with Mr. Fast as we waited on Mr. Slow, I could tell that this wasn't really testing him much either, but he enjoyed Mr. Slow's company and wanted to keep him riding. I can relate to that. I am been the slow guy more times that I can count.

We split off as they were heading back to Redlands to the east and I was heading back to Mom's house to the west. I only did 24 miles today. It was enjoyable. If I didn't feel so guilty about even riding that much I would have been game for double that. I felt great.

The Specialized is a great bike. It is so darn comfortable. Man, my Fuji has a totally different ride. Both bikes are carbon, but they don't feel at all the same. Both are great though and I would like to keep them both.

Oh, and I got on the Specialized S-Works Epic carbon bike that I am the new owner of too. I didn't ride it much, but I think I can make it work. It has a 23" top tube. I like 23.75 top tubes. So it feels a bit short. I am going to put on a longer stem and a wider riser bar and see that helps. But the bike is so decked out that I have a hard time wanting to sell it even though it is a bit small. The bike's frame is full carbon of course, but it is also loaded with SRAM X.0 and Shimano XTR. A DT 240 wheelset too. Geesh. Even if the wheels aren't 29ers the bike is so darn sweet. The suspension feels great. Not too much, but just enough. The Reba is even the version with the carbon crown. Again...geesh.

I still need to order the rest of the frame parts for the frame Neil is building for me. Being here has for some reason distracted me a bit. I wanted to call him and clarify a couple of things but I haven't remember to call when Neil is at the shop. And frankly it is not that high on the priority list despite that fact that I am way pumped about it.

Ah, and one last thing. I have to sell a bike. So it is going to be the Voodoo frameset. Bridget said there is no room in the inn for three new bikes (the two Specialized bikes and the Neil Cernitz bike).

Here will be the stable in a few months after the Voodoo is gone and the Neil is finished:

Curtlo Cross bike--True Temper S3 and OX Plat. Mostly Campy Record and Chorus.
Fuji Aloha CF2--Carbon frameset with SRAM Red
Cernitz--a gourmet mix of tubing and lugs to form a singlespeed cyclocross bike.
Specialized S-Works Roubaix: full Dura Ace
Specialized S-Works Epic: Rim brake version, no disc. XTR/X.0 mix.

Not too shabby.

By the way, they up'd my Dad's medication so he is resting more peacefully than yesterday. He is resting much better. And because of this we are all much more at ease here at the house.


Ok, seriously last thing. After the ride and attending to some Dad related stuff I finally got to eat at In N Out Burger.

Behold! A crappy picture of a Double Double--easy sauce, no onions!

Dad Update and Other Non-cycling Thoughts.

The end game is here. I doubt it will be long now.

My Dad is non-communicative for the most part. He moans and grunts with discomfort sometimes. He will make his displeasure with regard to having the oxygen tube on or a blanket on him by removing the offending items, sometimes recklessly. Therefore he has been sedated most of the time since yesterday afternoon. I talked with him briefly this morning, and he said a couple or words, but that has been it for about 20 hours.

Patrick watched him this afternoon while I handle some of his affairs and he was much the same. It may be funny later, but he will not tolerate any clothing on. Nor will he keep a blanket or sheet on him either unless he is sleeping somewhat deeply. Oh, and he is in the front room of my mom's house because it is the largest and easiest for nurses to take take of him. All of the other bedrooms are upstairs and to have put him up there would have been very difficult. Obviously if someone where to walk into the house from the front door they would have a naked man about 20 feet away from them on a bed. This might be disconcerting. For this reason when the doorbell rings we step out and walk with them to the rear of the house. Not that Dad notices at this point.

It has been such a rapid decline. He was diagnosed with Cancer on May 20th. It is now June 26th. Cancer is a cruel disease. In some respects we, including Dad, are lucky is is moving so quickly. It is painful for him. Thank goodness for the pain medication and some of the other things we have that prevent him from feeling the full brunt of what is happening.

I am not sure how much longer he will be with us. Each day has brought him further down the spiral. He is markedly more jaundiced that he was a couple of days ago. His liver must not be doing much of anything.

Yesterday he drank a decent amount. Today, hardly anything at all. This is normal we have been told in the final stages.

Patrick and I went to one of 4 storage units that our Dad has filled with all manner of personal belongs, tools, furniture and even a car. One storage unit is filled with stuff from his parents. This needs to finally be sorted as well. There is so much to do. Ugh.

Tomorrow morning I gotta go for a ride. I need some perspective that often comes from being out there solo. I am not exactly sad or in mourning yet. That may come later. I am still sort of in crisis mode and most of my feelings have been shut to the side. I am pretty adept at doing this in my life. I am doing that now knowing that I will probably have to pay the piper a bit later. That is fine.

Last night I had to tell my Dad that I would not go get him a gun or a knife so that he could end his life. He pleaded with me a couple of times to end it for him. I told him "No." each time. Then a bit later he wanted to sit up on the side of his medical bed. There is no way that this would work, he doesn't have the strength to get up or to balance. Yet, he was struggling to do so and wanting me and the nurse to help. I told him no. He called me a wuss. Said that wusses didn't get far in life because they don't take the chances necessary to go far. I just shook my head at him and then tried to reason with him.

I told him the doctor didn't want him out of bed. He didn't have the strength to get up and then if he did even with help there is a high likelihood that he would fall and possibly break something. I spoke some other things to in a firm manner, but calmly without talking down to him. He said he "could understand that concern." But then he stated that I couldn't understand what it was like to be where he was at. To be able to do something so small like sit up would be such a big thing for him. He needed to be able to do something, to work toward something. I pondered this briefly and said that I saw no reason we couldn't do some physical therapy as long as he remained laying down. He nodded his head and said that this would be good. I called my mother-in-law who happens to be a physical therapist and my Dad respects her. She gave me a list of simple exercises that Dad could do. He really appreciated that and we worked him for about 10 minutes or so.

He also asked me what the doctor, who had visited earlier that day had thought about his condition. For an instant I thought about lying to him. Maybe I could tell him that he might have a chance of getting out of bed again. But instead I shot stright with him. That is how he was in life, I thought I should be in to him now. I old him the doctor thought that he had somewhere near a couple of weeks left possibly. I did say that the doctor knew he was stubborn and thought that given his stubborn disposition that it could also be two months. He smiled. Soon after he was asleep.

But like I wrote earlier, Dad is worse to day. I don't think it will even be a week now.

I have up till now tried to keep this blog religion-free. Please forgive me now as I relate a couple of things that my Dad said to me when we had our last father-son talk a few days ago on Monday.

"It would be quite nice to be quoted once in awhile" (said with a slight smirk.)

"I count on all things being known in the end"

"I get to meet Him. And I hope it is quite joyful."

"I can feel Heavenly Father's love and compassion so much." And as he said that I knew that it was true. I could feel it too.

He told me that it would be rough to be the one in charge of his estate and his stuff because I would have to say no to my siblings when they disagreed with me. I told him I doubted that this would be the case. None of us are as worried about the disposition of his stuff as he is really. We just want to be free of the burden of it. And he felt bad about that, that he was leaving this world with too much unfinished business. I told him that it was OK. I wouldn't charge him too much (stated with a smirk). My sister Stephanie was in the room and she was told by my Dad that she was a witness to my charge to take charge of his estate and that I was to do it in righteousness, to do what was right. She nodded.

Not that I needed this charge from him. I felt it already. But having it reaffirmed was appropriate and nice in a way. I felt a bit of the torch being passed, some authority being passed on to me as the oldest son. I felt a bit of a burden being put on me for sure.

Dad is not comfortable now, I am going to sit by him...perhaps I will update this more tomorrow.

Life with Dad

Sorry, nothing about cycling today. This is just a way for me to vent today. And I need to vent. Not that I am angry or mad. Maybe frustrated, but that is about it. I Planned on riding this morning, but life intervened, which is understandable and OK.

Today is my Dad's first full day at home. Well, at my Mom's home. My parents divorced 3 or 4 years ago. My mom kept the family home that we grew up in, and my dad moved elsewhere. He can't live where he had been at for reason I won't get into here. It came down to either him staying in a nursing facility of some sort or him coming back to Mom's house where we could help care for him.

My Dad is difficult. He wants things done a certain way and if you don't do them that way, even at this stage of his cancer where he is bedridden, he lectures you on why what you have done is inappropriate or just wrong. That even goes for pain medication. He won't take them unless it is absolutely necessary. Which means it is uncomfortable most of the time. Which then means that all of us are similarly uncomfortable because we can't really relax much.

He can't get up to use the restroom so we will have to help him use a bedpan. He complains about suffering indignity because of the way that he has to live currently. He goes through periods of time where he just wants to die with dignity and he wants us to help him do that--how that is to be accomplished is not always clear. Other times he wants to do alternative medicine so that he can beat the cancer. I feel like he is fooling himself. But who am I to take his hope away. He feels it is his duty to do everything he can to get better. But it means that there is a difference between his goals and our goals. He wants to get better, and we just want him to be comfortable. We have given up hope of him getting better. I wonder if that is bad. Is that a lack of faith? I don't have an answer.

He is a diabetic, which means that his diet has to be watched and blood sugar checked frequently. More work and I am not familiar with what his specific diet needs are yet. Foods have to be either pudding-like or soup-like. Nutritional shakes are OK

We currently have help from 4pm at night until 8am in the morning. Then for 8 hours we are on our own. With all four of us siblings here the workload is spread out pretty well. But that will change. Patrick is only here for a week, he lives in Michigan. Sunny will be here off and on for the next couple of weeks, she lives in Arizona. Stephanie lives here with my Mom and cannot get away. I will be here only for a few weeks, unless my family comes out and then I will be here longer if necessary.

Here is the bad part. I really hope my Dad goes fast. It sort of hurts to say that and write that, but it is true. The longer he hangs on in the condition he is in right now the worse it is on us for sure, but I think him as well. He is frustrated. We are frustrated. We feel unsure of what to do and where to put boundaries with regard to what he wants from us and what we can give.

Some of us want to pay for nursing care around the clock to help. I am not willing to do that yet. This is mainly because I don't have a grasp on the extent of his financial position yet. And, I just don't know what will come up in the future so I am reluctant to spend money on things that aren't critical. Not that I am a miser, I just hate to spend money now and not have it for later when things get worse. And I suspect that they will and we will really need help later.

Personally, I am on edge. I am the oldest and my Dad has chosen me to be his agent in financial matters, the decision maker with regard to medical matters that he can't make, and the executor of his estate when he passes on. I feel the burden. I don't really like it. I feel the need to do what he wants and to lighten the load on my siblings, especially Stephanie. But, I often don't really know what the hell to do. Which adds to my edginess on occasion. Perhaps it is better that my family is not here to many respects because I am able to focus on what is going on here instead of what my boys are doing. Which sucks because I would really like to have them around. But even when my niece and nephew are around, the sound of them running around and yelling sets me on edge too. Not that they are being bad. They are just being kids. If I could have it, the place would be as quite as my law school library. I found comfort in the quite back then. I could focus. I feel like I need that now.

Staying Positive

So here is sit in Hot and Smoggy Southern California. Lots of stuff to do and things weighing on my mind.

Whoops.

Gotta stay positive.

Here I sit in sunny California. Not a cloud in the sky and lots of family around.

And I have a new bike to ride. It is a 2006 or 2007 Specialized S-Works Roubaix. When I first laid eyes on it, it screamed "I am an old man's bike."

It had the seat too low for the rider, flat pedals instead of clipless ones, and stem that was quite tall. In fact, that way it was set up for my Dad, the handlebars were higher than the saddle position.

Well, late last night I set up for me. I raised the saddle up for my leg length. I swapped the pedals out to some clipless ones I had laying around. I flipped the stem upside down so that I had the approximate bar height that I prefer.

Then this morning I took it for a little ride. I needed to go to where my Dad lived and so I decided that I would do it via the Specialized. It has a very nice ride to it. I have never owned any Dura Ace shifters before. I was amazed at how effortlessly they shifted. The carbon frame has some funky elastomers in it that are supposed to damp the ride a bit. I think they actually work. The ride was a bit more muted than my carbon Fuji frameset. I think both are great frames, the Fuji a bit more aggressive in the set up than the Specialized. The Specialized will be a great long ride bike. It is quite comfortable. And just like I thought after my initial look at it, it fits like a glove.

I am sure in the days to come I will put on some more miles and have more to say. Today I only got in 14 miles. But it was nice to be outside and be doing something physical. The town where I am at has a nice hill to climb in order to cross into it when coming from the north end. I climbed in the big ring standing up and felt great doing it. I have had enough time off since the Half Ironman that I don't have any lagging pains. I would have liked to have ridden much more, but I didn't have the time.

I think the riding is really going to help me vent. Now that my Dad is here out of the hospital it will be a bit rougher. He is on hospice with 24 hour care for the next few days. That will be great for us. If his condition stabilizes, the care will be on us. I worry about that. For lots of reasons that I won't go into details about. But, for now all four of us kids are here from all over the country and the burdens is lessened because of it. We have a great family. No losers in the family here. Maybe a little bit odd in ways, but all of us are dependable and easy to be around. It is nice.

Tomorrow is a new day and I try to get the most important things worked on for a bit everyday. There is just so much to do. And, of course I miss the family.

Can't sleep

It is late here in California. I arrived almost 3 hours ago. I haven't laid down to sleep yet though. Not sure why.

In between all the stuff that has to be done here--most of it depressing possibly, there is some stuff that I need to do for fun. I chose to focus temporarily on the fun stuff. I am going to check on Dad's bikes sometime tomorrow if possible. I am going to eat some good mexican food. And it is going to be HOT Mexican food, too. I am going to go for a run with my sister. She will run like a rabbit and I will be the turtle. However, I confident that similar to the storybook, if the run is long enough I can definately outlast her. So maybe that is what I will try to do. Afterall, I am the older brother here, I have to assert my will on my younger siblings. It is tradition after all.

Oh, and I will be sure to take pictures of that food unlike any other....the Burelleno from El Torero in Corona, Ca.

By the way, to the my wife and boys--I miss you guys.

Headin' Down South

I am heading to help my father out for a few weeks. At least two. No more than four. I am not taking a bike. My Dad has a couple of bikes. Hopefully the sizing is close enough. Otherwise I am going to have Bridget get my bike boxed up and send down one of mine.

It is not a play vacation, but I need to keep riding. In fact the trip will most likely suck from an emotional standpoint. But, the eldest son has got to do his duty.